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Dec. 28th, 2008 @ 03:21 am Can't sleep, what else is new
I didn't write about it at the time, but about ten days ago I spoke with Lauren on the phone. She was upset about something (completely unrelated to me), and I called to make sure she was ok, fully expecting to get her voice mail as it was the middle of the day. She picked up, and we talked for almost an hour. Not about anything really interesting or important, mostly small talk.

She called me back tonight to let me know that everything was ok (regarding the above issue). More small talk followed. She's starting to move this week, and she's getting furniture for her apartment. As much as it makes me feel better to hear her voice, the way we talk leaves me feeling sad.

It's like she's pretending that there's nothing wrong, or maybe she's just insensitive to the fact that I might hold more than a passing interest in what she's thinking. That's one of the big reasons this has been so hard for me- I know now that she reads this, and I think I've been pretty clear about what I've been thinking and how I've been feeling. On the other end of the spectrum, I'm more or less entirely cut off from her. I have no idea what's going on in her head most of the time, and I wish I did. Does she miss me? Does she care at all? Does she want things to work out in the end, or does she just want me to go away? I don't know, and I don't know if she'll ever tell me. I can't confront her and ask, either. I know she hasn't yet had the time she needs to figure things out, and I'm trying really hard not to push her. At the same time, all I want is to hear that I'm not wasting my time by thinking that someday we can be happy together again. I know she'll tell me one way or another when she's ready, but until then it feels like slow, painful, indifferent torture.

And that's why I'm up at a quarter to four in the morning, unable to sleep.

I'm not going to censor myself. I WANT her to know what I'm thinking. I'd rather tell her directly, but I don't think she's ready to have that conversation. She was always the one person I could be completely open and honest to, even more than my closest friends from home or Ithaca. When we were together, it seemed like that was the case for her as well. Being shut out feels like someone twisting the knife. It hurts.

I'm getting better at dealing with it, but that doesn't mean it's getting easier.
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Dec. 28th, 2008 @ 05:02 am Weird dream
I tried to sleep, had a dream that I was a cloud. Yeah, I know, it didn't make sense to me either. I was a fluffy white cloud, but there was no wind. I gradually became a dark storm cloud but couldn't rain, even though I wanted to. I blocked out most of the sunlight. Someone was driving a car along what appeared to be a desert highway. I woke up.

Kind of an odd dream to be such a non-anthropomorphic object. I'm sure it's all very symbolic, but I'm too tired to properly analyze it. Thought I'd write it down while I still remember.

Time to attempt sleep again.
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Dec. 28th, 2008 @ 06:49 am Crazy ideas come to me when I'm overtired.. which is often.
Here's a crazy idea. What if, instead of going on the Big Hike, I went on a Big Ride instead?

I've been wanting a bike for years and years, and it's something I've been hoping to actually get this coming season. If I go on the Hike, I'd be selling the bike to pay for most of the expenses. But if I keep the bike, the expenses would be about the same PLUS I'd still have a bike. Going on a ride has the benefit of taking less time, too. Which means it might be possible to convince someone to come along with me. Here's what I figure:

New York, NY to San Francisco is roughly 2900 miles. At 200 miles a day, that could be done in a little over two weeks. I'd probably allot a bit more time, more likely an entire month. That way I'd have time for "0 mile days" (to borrow a through-hiker term), or weather/sightseeing/sick/lazy days. Or, time to go back home, if I wanted to ride back.

Most bikes get between 30 and 60 miles per gallon. A 3000 mile trip at 30MPG would cost $300, at $3.00/gallon. Considering airfare from NY to CA is about the same, that's not too bad. Chances are, I'd be getting better mileage than that. A full 6000 mile round trip would only be $600, still not bad.

Food and lodging might be a bit more expensive. Meals at most commercial establishments run around $8 for something basic. Packing "trail gear" like instant coffee and granola/GORP would save some money there. Staying at a campsite runs around $20, and motels can be found for less than $80 a night in most places. Actually, a quick search shows that the Super8 near where I live would be $85 for a single bed, $110 for a double bed room. If I traveled with someone, that'd cut down costs to ~$55 for lodging on non-camping nights. If I went alone, and camped half of the time, that'd be around $1650 for lodging expenses, and approximately $750 for three $8 meals per day (if the trip took a month). Food costs could very likely be much less, or more depending on where I stop.

Gear would be by far the most costly part of the trip. Depending on what kind of bike I got, it could run anywhere from $3000-$5000. I don't think I'd spend much more than $5k on the bike itself, and even that would be pushing it. It'd be at least another thousand for the helmet, gloves, jacket, pants. I'd also need a tent, rain cover, and travel/camping supplies. If I was going to take this trip, I'd probably also purchase a laptop or netbook to take with me, to keep a journal or log of the adventure. Not an essential, but if added that'd be at least another $400.

So for a two week trip, $300 in gas, ~$800 in lodging, ~$400 for food, plus bike and gear.
For a month, $600 in gas, ~$1600 in lodging, and $800 for food.

Three grand blown in a month. Seems like a lot, but it'd be a lot of adventure packed into a short amount of time. By comparison, I'd probably need to spend the same amount (before gear and airfare and such) doing the hike. All things considered, the hike would probably be cheaper in the end, but take six times as long. I could do the ride by myself, whereas I'd be hesitant to do the hike alone. I'd rather have company either way though.

Something for me to think about. The ride wouldn't be until 2010 anyway, so I could get in at least one full season of riding.
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