Shinkiro (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} punkoergosum) wrote,@ 2008-12-28 03:21:00 |
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Can't sleep, what else is new
I didn't write about it at the time, but about ten days ago I spoke with Lauren on the phone. She was upset about something (completely unrelated to me), and I called to make sure she was ok, fully expecting to get her voice mail as it was the middle of the day. She picked up, and we talked for almost an hour. Not about anything really interesting or important, mostly small talk.
She called me back tonight to let me know that everything was ok (regarding the above issue). More small talk followed. She's starting to move this week, and she's getting furniture for her apartment. As much as it makes me feel better to hear her voice, the way we talk leaves me feeling sad.
It's like she's pretending that there's nothing wrong, or maybe she's just insensitive to the fact that I might hold more than a passing interest in what she's thinking. That's one of the big reasons this has been so hard for me- I know now that she reads this, and I think I've been pretty clear about what I've been thinking and how I've been feeling. On the other end of the spectrum, I'm more or less entirely cut off from her. I have no idea what's going on in her head most of the time, and I wish I did. Does she miss me? Does she care at all? Does she want things to work out in the end, or does she just want me to go away? I don't know, and I don't know if she'll ever tell me. I can't confront her and ask, either. I know she hasn't yet had the time she needs to figure things out, and I'm trying really hard not to push her. At the same time, all I want is to hear that I'm not wasting my time by thinking that someday we can be happy together again. I know she'll tell me one way or another when she's ready, but until then it feels like slow, painful, indifferent torture.
And that's why I'm up at a quarter to four in the morning, unable to sleep.
I'm not going to censor myself. I WANT her to know what I'm thinking. I'd rather tell her directly, but I don't think she's ready to have that conversation. She was always the one person I could be completely open and honest to, even more than my closest friends from home or Ithaca. When we were together, it seemed like that was the case for her as well. Being shut out feels like someone twisting the knife. It hurts.
I'm getting better at dealing with it, but that doesn't mean it's getting easier.
I didn't write about it at the time, but about ten days ago I spoke with Lauren on the phone. She was upset about something (completely unrelated to me), and I called to make sure she was ok, fully expecting to get her voice mail as it was the middle of the day. She picked up, and we talked for almost an hour. Not about anything really interesting or important, mostly small talk.
She called me back tonight to let me know that everything was ok (regarding the above issue). More small talk followed. She's starting to move this week, and she's getting furniture for her apartment. As much as it makes me feel better to hear her voice, the way we talk leaves me feeling sad.
It's like she's pretending that there's nothing wrong, or maybe she's just insensitive to the fact that I might hold more than a passing interest in what she's thinking. That's one of the big reasons this has been so hard for me- I know now that she reads this, and I think I've been pretty clear about what I've been thinking and how I've been feeling. On the other end of the spectrum, I'm more or less entirely cut off from her. I have no idea what's going on in her head most of the time, and I wish I did. Does she miss me? Does she care at all? Does she want things to work out in the end, or does she just want me to go away? I don't know, and I don't know if she'll ever tell me. I can't confront her and ask, either. I know she hasn't yet had the time she needs to figure things out, and I'm trying really hard not to push her. At the same time, all I want is to hear that I'm not wasting my time by thinking that someday we can be happy together again. I know she'll tell me one way or another when she's ready, but until then it feels like slow, painful, indifferent torture.
And that's why I'm up at a quarter to four in the morning, unable to sleep.
I'm not going to censor myself. I WANT her to know what I'm thinking. I'd rather tell her directly, but I don't think she's ready to have that conversation. She was always the one person I could be completely open and honest to, even more than my closest friends from home or Ithaca. When we were together, it seemed like that was the case for her as well. Being shut out feels like someone twisting the knife. It hurts.
I'm getting better at dealing with it, but that doesn't mean it's getting easier.
