Shinkiro (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} punkoergosum) wrote,@ 2008-12-30 19:16:00 |
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Resolutions and Revelations
Today on the way to work I listened to... nothing.
That's not entirely true. I listened to the sounds my car makes, the massive amount of wind noise normally drowned out by the stereo, the whine of winter tires on dry pavement. The clicking of the shifter, and the pressure sounds from the clutch pedal.
The whole way there I felt nothing. I don't know if that's better or worse than feeling sad. As I left my house, intentionally NOT turning on the stereo, I couldn't help but expect to be completely lost in my thoughts by the time I got to the thruway. I anticipated the deafening silence giving way to the same kinds of thoughts that keep me awake at night. But there was nothing. I just drove, focusing on driving, and not much else. It was strange. Going over the bridge, the sky was clear and the water was blue, and it was aesthetically pleasing but I just didn't care one way or the other. The world was moving around me and I was moving within it, but it felt like something was out of sync. Actually, that's not a bad way of describing how I've been feeling most days for the past month. Maybe the music helped cover it up for a short time, twice a day.
My New Years resolution is to let go of the person I was and craft something new. Time to shed some skin. The me from 2008 clearly wasn't enough for Lauren, and to be honest since that all went down I haven't been the same person anyway. Even if things do work out in the end, that's a scar that might heal and fade, but never go away. That's not the point, though it is related. When Lauren called in November, she said I needed to "figure out who I am" and had to "be OK with myself". Prior to that conversation I wasn't aware that I had any issues with myself. But I was stuck, and a change certainly wouldn't hurt.
What better way to accomplish those tasks than to build myself from the ground up? How am I going to accomplish that? I'm not going to get super specific. With this kind of Do It Yourself project there's bound to be some modification and improvisation. It's more like cooking than engineering- start with a solid foundation, add some key ingredients, and finish with some spice for flavor.
Improve my health. Going from Not In Shape to Better Than Not In Shape would be good. Achieving "In Good Shape" would be awesome. Also, I'm going to get contacts again. Getting a new vision prescription counts as a health issue, and although it might partially be vanity, having them will increase my confidence.
Get some certifications. 2008 me doesn't have 'em. 2009 me will.
Improve assertiveness and confidence. I've always been a laid back, indecisive person. I mesh well because I can go with the flow and adapt. That's a great way to avoid conflict, not such a great way to make a lasting impression. There's a school of thought that says "The only way to get what you want is to take it." While that's one extreme end of the spectrum, another way to get what you want is to ask for it, and not be afraid to.
Step out of my comfort zone. I'm a creature of habit. Although on any given day I'd be up for doing anything, going anywhere, or experiencing something new, if my keys, phone, and wallet aren't in the right pockets (left, right, back right) it'll seriously throw me off. I'll start by changing the little things like that, and although I can't think of too many great examples at the moment, I'm going to look for patterns in my routine and shake them up. At the very least it'll introduce some change into the mundane, and maybe offer a new perspective.
Exercise the power of positive thinking. Yes, I know that sounds uber cliche. But let me put it this way- my whole life, I've been raised on a steady diet of "You'll never, you can't, you aren't," and "you won't." 2009 will be the year that I say Screw That. (See also: assertiveness and confidence). This will be the year that I respond "I will, I can, I am", and hopefully, "I have."
Take a new perspective on Fate and Luck. I still believe in what I refer to loosely as "Fate", or the general sense that if the Universe has a plan, one way or another it'll come to fruition. But to borrow a line from Harvey Dent, "You make your own luck." There's something to be said for being in the right place at the right time, but in any kind of "odds" situation, chances are there's something that can be done to tip them in your favor. "Resigning yourself to fate" is the same thing as making a choice through inaction.
Make some financial compromises. I still have the money I set aside for moving in with Lauren, and I'm keeping that isolated for when I need to move next. The money I'm making from my current job will pay off the end of my student loans. I don't need to do that necessarily, since I've paid ahead and my next payment is due January 2011. But if I don't do that, I'll spend the money on a motorcycle this year. After considering that, I don't really need the bike I really want as a first bike, especially since first bikes more often than not get dropped, and replacing the plastics on a smaller, cheaper bike is, well, cheaper. I can both pay off my loans, get a mid-range bike (a 500 as opposed to the 650r I really want), use that for a season, and then upgrade next year. Insurance on a smaller bike is less money too, and if I need to take out a loan for a degree program, having paid off my previous loan will help with the interest rate.
And finally, one that might surprise you. A resolution to spend less time in front of a computer. That might seem odd considering I'll hopefully be working a computer job and studying for computer exams, but what I'm referring to is all the time wasted sitting at my desk browsing the web for lack of anything else to do. Sure, there's all kinds of whimsical and entertaining content on the internet, but at the end of the day it isn't any better than staring at the TV for hours on end. I actually have an experiment planned, but I'm not going to write about it until it is over.
Today on the way to work I listened to... nothing.
That's not entirely true. I listened to the sounds my car makes, the massive amount of wind noise normally drowned out by the stereo, the whine of winter tires on dry pavement. The clicking of the shifter, and the pressure sounds from the clutch pedal.
The whole way there I felt nothing. I don't know if that's better or worse than feeling sad. As I left my house, intentionally NOT turning on the stereo, I couldn't help but expect to be completely lost in my thoughts by the time I got to the thruway. I anticipated the deafening silence giving way to the same kinds of thoughts that keep me awake at night. But there was nothing. I just drove, focusing on driving, and not much else. It was strange. Going over the bridge, the sky was clear and the water was blue, and it was aesthetically pleasing but I just didn't care one way or the other. The world was moving around me and I was moving within it, but it felt like something was out of sync. Actually, that's not a bad way of describing how I've been feeling most days for the past month. Maybe the music helped cover it up for a short time, twice a day.
My New Years resolution is to let go of the person I was and craft something new. Time to shed some skin. The me from 2008 clearly wasn't enough for Lauren, and to be honest since that all went down I haven't been the same person anyway. Even if things do work out in the end, that's a scar that might heal and fade, but never go away. That's not the point, though it is related. When Lauren called in November, she said I needed to "figure out who I am" and had to "be OK with myself". Prior to that conversation I wasn't aware that I had any issues with myself. But I was stuck, and a change certainly wouldn't hurt.
What better way to accomplish those tasks than to build myself from the ground up? How am I going to accomplish that? I'm not going to get super specific. With this kind of Do It Yourself project there's bound to be some modification and improvisation. It's more like cooking than engineering- start with a solid foundation, add some key ingredients, and finish with some spice for flavor.
Improve my health. Going from Not In Shape to Better Than Not In Shape would be good. Achieving "In Good Shape" would be awesome. Also, I'm going to get contacts again. Getting a new vision prescription counts as a health issue, and although it might partially be vanity, having them will increase my confidence.
Get some certifications. 2008 me doesn't have 'em. 2009 me will.
Improve assertiveness and confidence. I've always been a laid back, indecisive person. I mesh well because I can go with the flow and adapt. That's a great way to avoid conflict, not such a great way to make a lasting impression. There's a school of thought that says "The only way to get what you want is to take it." While that's one extreme end of the spectrum, another way to get what you want is to ask for it, and not be afraid to.
Step out of my comfort zone. I'm a creature of habit. Although on any given day I'd be up for doing anything, going anywhere, or experiencing something new, if my keys, phone, and wallet aren't in the right pockets (left, right, back right) it'll seriously throw me off. I'll start by changing the little things like that, and although I can't think of too many great examples at the moment, I'm going to look for patterns in my routine and shake them up. At the very least it'll introduce some change into the mundane, and maybe offer a new perspective.
Exercise the power of positive thinking. Yes, I know that sounds uber cliche. But let me put it this way- my whole life, I've been raised on a steady diet of "You'll never, you can't, you aren't," and "you won't." 2009 will be the year that I say Screw That. (See also: assertiveness and confidence). This will be the year that I respond "I will, I can, I am", and hopefully, "I have."
Take a new perspective on Fate and Luck. I still believe in what I refer to loosely as "Fate", or the general sense that if the Universe has a plan, one way or another it'll come to fruition. But to borrow a line from Harvey Dent, "You make your own luck." There's something to be said for being in the right place at the right time, but in any kind of "odds" situation, chances are there's something that can be done to tip them in your favor. "Resigning yourself to fate" is the same thing as making a choice through inaction.
Make some financial compromises. I still have the money I set aside for moving in with Lauren, and I'm keeping that isolated for when I need to move next. The money I'm making from my current job will pay off the end of my student loans. I don't need to do that necessarily, since I've paid ahead and my next payment is due January 2011. But if I don't do that, I'll spend the money on a motorcycle this year. After considering that, I don't really need the bike I really want as a first bike, especially since first bikes more often than not get dropped, and replacing the plastics on a smaller, cheaper bike is, well, cheaper. I can both pay off my loans, get a mid-range bike (a 500 as opposed to the 650r I really want), use that for a season, and then upgrade next year. Insurance on a smaller bike is less money too, and if I need to take out a loan for a degree program, having paid off my previous loan will help with the interest rate.
And finally, one that might surprise you. A resolution to spend less time in front of a computer. That might seem odd considering I'll hopefully be working a computer job and studying for computer exams, but what I'm referring to is all the time wasted sitting at my desk browsing the web for lack of anything else to do. Sure, there's all kinds of whimsical and entertaining content on the internet, but at the end of the day it isn't any better than staring at the TV for hours on end. I actually have an experiment planned, but I'm not going to write about it until it is over.
